My date was a disaster.
It went so bad I want to bury it in a bottomless pit and then build a monument upon it to show how inept I am at talking to women. I am writing this down for posterity's sake, so maybe whoever reads it may not repeat my mistakes.
Here are how events unfolded from the time I awoke to now.
My internal time piece went off at its normal time as it does every morning. I literally jumped out of bed and did my routines.
And then I did them again.
And again.
After the third time of doing my morning exercises I realised this was not helping pass the time to my date any more quickly. If anything it seemed like time was moving slower.
I had to get out and do something to take my mind off my date so time would pass by more quickly. I decided I needed to head over to Goblin Town and check in on the project I had going there.
I arrived at my forge to find the three goblins I had working for me sleeping off a hangover. A little part of me didn't approve of this, but I really didn't care if they turned a profit or not. This was a safehouse. A spot for me to hole up if things went south. If it was part of the goblin lifestyle to slack off and be lazy, well, far be it from me to interfere. I need this place to look normal from the outside.
Still, when I woke them up the little buggers jumped to attention and even saluted me. Their names were, Nob, Grunk and Darby.
I call them Snap, Crackle and Pop.
Snap, who seemed to be the leader, probably because he spoke better common than the other two, said, " Sorry big boss man. We wasn't expectin no surprise inspection dis mornin."
"No it's alright, Nob." I reassured him, setting his mind at ease. " I have a big date tonight with a pretty elf chic and was looking for a way to pass the time before then." My three minions made funny sour faces when I said the words 'Elf Chic', but then just shrugged. I continued, "have you made any weapons or armor yet?"
"Sure thing boss." said Snap. "Check out this spear I made." He showed me a crude weapon, little more than a knife blade tied to a long stick.
"Nice!" I said, feigning excitement. Something happened then. Something I wasn't expecting. All three of the goblins grew excited and started showing off the wares they had crafted. There were crude clubs with spikes. Daggers made of bone. Shields made from the seats of chairs and so forth. All the arms and armor were serviceable, but none I would actually use in battle unless I really had too. Still, with each item I praised their ingenuity and pointed out the positive details of each and every piece.
When all was done my three minions looked at me and asked, " Boss, will you stay and craft with us?"
"It's a good eight hours to my date, so why not." I answered.
It felt good to work the forge. Something I hadn't done since shop class in Warmage academy. As I crafted the day away my three minions oohed and ahhed at everything I did. As I completed a sword, they made such a big deal over it you would have thought I crafted Excalibur itself. And I found I liked this praise. Now I know why so many evil wizards keep these guys around. These guys make you feel good about being yourself. I am so used to being chewed up and tore down by my friends that this hero worship that is being thrown my way was like Euphoria.
I was all smiles.
Until I looked outside and seen that it was getting dark.
"Oh Crap!" I cried. "My date is in less than an hour!"
"Whats wrong Boss? You got's plenty of time." said Snap.
"But I smell like a forge." I wailed.
"Girls like sweat Boss. She be impressed"
"Not this girl." I said. "She is a refined lady."
"She sounds like no fun at all." said Snap, to the nods of his partners. "Still we can gets you some waters for bath."
"Quick." I said. Spurring them into motion. "And grab some soap too." All three goblins stopped in their tracks at that, with horrified expressions on their faces.
"We gots no soap boss." said Crackle.
"We gots lard." said Pop. "Lard works good."
"Okay. But hurry!" I said.
I spent the next thirty or so minutes being scrubbed with lard in what smelled like sewer water by my minions head to toe.
"Ugh. I smell like bacon." I said.
"Girls like bacon Boss." all three said in unison.
"She gona love you." said Snap.
I looked at them dubiously and shrugged. "I hope so. Keep up the good work." I told them.
All three gave me smiles and a thumbs up symbol.
I raced out of Goblin Town as fast as I could and just beat the carriage I arraigned to pick up Illiara by a few moments. The table I had reserved was in a secluded corner where I thought we could have some privacy. As usual the Green Forest Inn was crowded during dinner time. Illara came through the door at about the time I seated myself. I stood up as the hostess escorted her over to our table.
"My lady." I smiled. "You look radiant tonight."
She smiled and thanked me as I pulled out her seat for her. As I took my own seat she made a disgusted face and said sniffing the air, "Do they allow Goblins in here?"
"Uhm, yes they do. There were some in here a bit ago. They just left." I lied. "How was your ride?"
"Very comfortable. Thank you."
There was a bottle of Feywine upon our table and I poured us each a glass. She smiled and said as she took a sip. "You sprang for the best."
"Of course." I said as I picked up my menu.
"So." she said. "Tell me of your recent exploits into the Accursed Halls and this creature you fought."
I gave her all the pertinent details on our encounter with the strange alien wizard.
When I was finished she said in that musical voice of hers, "Pity you could not have recovered its body. I sure would have loved to study it more closely."
I knew right then, Abraxus the Ghost demon was going to die, for nothing was going to stop me from bringing that alien wizard out of that dungeon and laying it at this fair maidens feet.
"May I take your order?" said a familiar voice from next to our table.
I looked up to see Vickey standing there with her hand on her hip with a bored look on her face.
"Vickey?" I said with my mouth dropping open. "What are you doing here?"
"What does it look like genius? I'm working."
"Why?" I asked.
"Because a girl has to eat. You going to order or sit there and gawk at me all night?"
"Nitro? You know this girl?" asked Illiara, arching an eyebrow.
"Uhm, no not really." I told her. taking a big drink of my wine.
"Oh really?" said Vickey in an offended tone. Then looking at Illiara she said, "he seen me naked."
I coughed up my Feywine at that and said as I was choking. "No not like that."
"I don't remember you being in no hurry to hand me back my clothes. Do You?"
I was flabbergasted, and couldn't talk straight for several moments, then finally blurted out, "Could you just take our order please."
"With pleasure. I need to get away from this table because one of you smells like goblin."
As she left with our order I looked across the table and said to Illiara. "I am so not tipping him."
"Him?" She asked.
I couldn't give her the full account of how I knew Vickey without compromising her new identity, so I just gave her a rough outline of events on how she used to be a man and how we sprang for a new body for her after his death.
"It is a strange world we live in." she told me with a smile.
"Don't I know it." I said. " I mean look at you. You look like you could be about my age, But everyone knows elves live for thousands of years. You could be ancient as far as I know. How old are you anyways?" when I realised what just came out of my mouth I slapped my hand over it and cursed under my breath.
I broke the cardinal rule.
What an idiot I am.
I reassured myself this night couldn't get any worse.
I was wrong.
Shakes and Abrandon walked in the door.
I picked up my menu and tried to hide behind it, to no avail.
Shakes sat down at my table and said, oblivious to the fact that I was out on a date with the most desirable woman in town, "We have to talk. It's important."
"Will you excuse me for a moment?" I asked Illiara.
"Sure." She said with a slight frown.
I walked over to the bar with Shakes and Abrandon and said, "Can't you guys see I'm out on a date?"
Shakes ignored me and said, "We're being tracked."
I looked around the room and said, "What?"
"We found out someone is asking questions about us and tracking our movements."
"Any idea who?"
"Not yet." Shakes said.
"We have Skylar on it." added Abrandon.
" I need to get Illiara home safe." I said.
"Meet here tomorrow." said Shakes.
"Will do. Stay safe." I said.
"Always."
"Something dangerous has come up." I informed Illiara as I returned to the table. "We need to cut this short I am afraid."
" I understand." She told me as we quickly finished our meal. I escorted her home and at her door, I asked. "Do this again sometime?"
"Perhaps." she said. "It was fun."
I walked back to my room and cursed my luck.
Maybe I should leave the dating to the experts. Like Draco.
