Day 49

   First off, let me say my Goblin Lachey's don't know everything they thought they knew about Elvin females. It's true they don't have any body hair, but it is not because they shave. It is because it is part of their anatomy. Elves do not grow body hair. I read this in a book I checked out in the library called 'Anatomy of a She Elf ' written by some sage called Elminster. I have never heard of this Sage, but if I ever find myself in a city called Shadowdale I will have to look him up, as he seems to be a very learned man. I'm not going to hold my breath waiting to meet this man as I could find no town called Shadowdale on any maps of our known world. I can only surmise this Elminster is from another world or dimension.
  After breakfast we made yet another foray into the area below the Enigma Vaults. We killed a giant two headed snake easy enough and had to run from some invisible ooze that shocked Shakes. It made him even more jittery than normal.
  We split up loot. I for one was happy with my acquisition of the Alien Fungoid Surgeons Tools. Shakes got the Talon of Borva Daggin. It didn't fit right having only three finger spots but Shakes still looked formidable practicing his karate wearing it. Max took the Dragon Saddle and Vickey added the Four Barreled Mithril Rifle to her arsenal. It was broken but I assured her I could fix it if we got our hands on some mithril.
  It looked like the end of a perfect day until I returned to the Goldcloak Tower to find a letter waiting for me. It was from the Baron and it said in no uncertain terms that he was expecting me for dinner tomorrow at his castle, and that only death itself should keep me from attending.
  Uh Oh.
 

Day 48

  The Goldcloak Tower was all abuzz the next morning. I had delivered the preserved corpse of an interstellar demon called a Mi Go to them. People were visiting, studying, prodding, taking notes and generally doing what wizards and scholars do. I was surprised to see Draco among them. I didn't think he got into this kind of stuff.
  Well, I for one had already poked and prodded that corpse enough, so I was off to do a better form of studying. I went to my favorite place, the Thornkeep Library. The librarian smiled as I entered and asked if I had seen the corpse of the Mi Go at the tower. I said I was the one who killed and delivered it. Her look of amazement did wonders for my self esteem.
  I checked out two books. One on interstellar demonology written by some old wizard by the name of Lovecraft. ( Sounds like an Enchanter to me ) and the other on lycanthropy. I skimmed through the lycanthropy book, for I had read it all many times, and brushed up on what I already knew about Werewolves.
  The book by Lovecraft, I gave a more detailed reading.  I remembered speed reading this book in school and committed to memory the pages dealing with Mi Go. Apparently they work for some elder god that know one can speak the name of or he sends three of these bad boys to capture and kill the transgressor. If they fail, there is a small chance this ' Old One' will come himself and eat the entire continent, transgressor included.
  Well, I would hate to fight that thing.
  After leaving the library I checked in on Bob and our treasure. Everything was fine so I went back to the Goldcloak Tower to compare notes with Illiara about the Mi Go. Upon arriving though I was told by her secretary that she was in a meeting and wasn't to be disturbed. Since I was technically a spy working for the Blue Basilisk's, I decided to lurk about and see what foreign dignitary left her office.
  My blood ran cold when I seen who exited.
  Draco!
  He kissed her hand in that elegant manner of his that made all women swoon and said, " Until our next meeting, My lady."
  That bastard!
  Illiara smiled demurely and thanked him for his time. As he walked away her gaze checked out his butt and her eyebrows raised a little. She closed her door with a smile.
  As soon as the door was closed Draco paused to flirt with the secretary and two of Illiara's female apprentices that happened to be waiting outside her office. They all practically swooned as he made his exit.
  That asshole.
  Well as an associate of mine from another dimension would say....
  It's On Like Donkey Kong Now! ( I have no idea what this means but it sure sounds appropriate )
  Honestly. What do women see in him anyways? He has no brains and no physique worth mentioning. Other than for eye candy what could he offer a woman?
  I went to my room and tried to sleep, to no avail. The way Illiara smiled at him kept replaying in my mind. Was she in her nightgown? I couldn't remember. I got up and paced back and forth across my room, because I couldn't take this lying down.
  I couldn't kill Draco, obviously.
  He was my friend? right?
  So death was not an option.
  I had to stop him from encroaching on what I deemed my territory somehow.
  But how do you stop someone who is irresistible to women from having a chance with the most gorgeous woman in town?
  I put my considerable intellect to the problem and a plan started to form.
  The next morning, after doing my routines, I made my way the rooms of an apprentice enchantress by the name of Anna Swiftounge. Anna was the resident gossip. If she knew a secret the entire town knew it in short order.
  Anna answered the door in a little, sexy, sleep outfit. "Oh?!' She answered. "Well, I was wondering when you were going to knock on my door."
  "This isn't a social call, Anna," I informed her. "I am here on tower business."
   "Oh, ok. What's up?" she asked, as she closed the door behind me, and took my cloak.
   "It's about our reputation... And by that, I mean the towers reputation," I replied.
  "Oh, is our tower's reputation in danger?" she feigned concern.
  "Sort of. Do you remember the young sorceror who was here, visiting, in the mistress' office last night?'
  'How could I miss him?" She said,trying not to look a bit flushed.
  "Well, I know him rather well. He has quite the well-earned reputation for getting around town, anywhere, and with any female who will have him. I know for a fact that he spends many nights at that gnomish apothecary's house, and that the neighbor's talk often of the sounds of passion emanating from there." I was not lying about this point. Max, our diminutive barbarian friend, had been spending more than a few nights there. How Draco can sleep with all that racket going on is beyond me. I continued, " And some of those ladies are more than a bit promiscuous themselves." I paused to let this bit of information sink in. " Did you noticed the way that sorcerer was itching himself? " I made a scratching motion towards my groin area.
  Anna stopped and thought for a second, and when her face lit up I knew my post hypnotic suggestion took effect. I grabbed my cloak and headed for the door.
  "Wait!' she said. " Don't you want to stay for a bit?"
  " I said what I came to say. Do not tell anybody else about this. This is between you and I. Understand?"
  " Ok." Anna's eyes lit up. " You sure you don't want to stay? I have some wine." Smiling she pointed to a half full bottle on her nightstand next to the bed.
  "No. I must decline. I never drink this early in the morning." I bid her a good day and exited her chambers.
  Anna was a pretty girl, as most sorceress's are, to bad she didn't seem attracted to me. A roll in the hay with her probably would have been fun. If she ever shows an interest and things don't work out with Illiara and me... That was a very sheer nightgown she was wearing. I tried not to think of Anna's curves as I made my way out of the Goldcloak Tower to implement phase two of my master plan.
  I travelled to Goblin Town and entered my forge. Snap, Crackle and Pop jumped to attention as I entered and saluted me.
  "Heya big boss man!" Exclaimed Snap. "How went your date?"
  Crackle and Pop started rubbing their hands together, waiting for details.
  I shrugged. "Ok, I guess."
  " You gets some? Right?"
  "NO!" I said, shocked. " She is a refined lady. She would never put out on the first date."
  Snap looked crestfallen, probably more so than me, and Crackle looked at Pop and said in Goblin, "How she resist magic lard? Bacon smell gets them every time?"
  Pop just shook his head and said back in goblin, "Them elves resistant. Only works on them one time in twenties."
  "No worries boss." said Snap. "we give you nineteen more baths if that's what it takes."
  "Hold on there Nob." I said to Snap. "That is not why I have come. I need you to do something for me."
  "Sure thing boss. whatcha needs?"
  "I need some body lice. the kind that infects a persons nether regions."
  "Oh! You means crabs. We can get you some crabs easy. You getting revenge on girl who not put out?"
  "Something like that." I answered.
  Snap snapped his fingers and Crackle rushed out the door. I swear he was only gone four minutes, twenty nine seconds, when he ran back in and delivered a small vial full of the creepy crawlies to me.
  "That good boss?" asked Snap.
  "Yes!" I answered, in surprise. "How did you get them so quickly?"
  "We gots connections." smiled Snap.
  "Good to know. You guys just earned yourselves a bonus."
  The goblin trio cheered.
  As I was exiting Snap stopped me. "One more thing bossman."
  I paused at the door, "Yes?"
  "Your trick may not work so good on yer lady friend."
  "Why not?" I inquired.
  "Cause most them there she elves, well, dey shave der nether regions."
  My jaw dropped in shock. "How?!? Uhm. Never mind. I don't want to know."
  I made my way back to the Golden Tower. On the way I entertained and discarded the idea of dropping a few of my new friends on Draco himself. I came to the conclusion that this could be detrimental to our party's health. I mean, could you imagine Draco pausing to itch himself right in the middle of a fight to the death with some denizen of the lower planes?
  No. I had a better idea.
  I discretely left some on various pieces of plush furniture around the Goldcloak Tower, making a mental note of where so I didn't accidentally infect myself before they cleaned them all up. I had a little pang of guilt for a second. Then I remembered something one of my drill instructors said when he pulled a particularly dirty move in sparring practice. "All is fair in Love and War."
  If all goes according to plan Draco's reputation would soon be tarnished with the ladies here at the Goldcloak Tower.
  I laid down to sleep with a smile and thought.
   You learn something new everyday, and what I learned today was my three goblin henchmen see more elven trim than I do.
  There was something horrible wrong with this world.

Day 33 thru 47

  First off, let me apologize for not writing these last couple of months. Most of you who have been following my exploits probably thought I had fallen in battle with some beasty. I assure you this is not the case. I decided keeping a day to day journal was not a wise thing to do while we were being stalked by some unknown entity. If the person or being tracking us came upon my journal our party's security, and more importantly my security, could be compromised.
  A lot of events have transpired since my last journal entry. I will try to catch you up in as few installments as I can without leaving out to many pertinent details.
  My date was a disaster.
  I put that behind me.
  We spent the next several days playing shadow games with our stalkers.
  There were many.
  Street urchins were everywhere. It was hard to travel around town without tripping over the little critters. They were spreading rumors of our exploits around town, blowing them way out of proportion. It was good for our rep so we let them.
  There were young adolescents. They were mimicking our attire and mannerisms. Hero worshippers you would call them. I am a glutton for fame but I did not think we qualified as hero's. Foremost among these was a young farm boy by the name of Dug. He was strong and quick it seemed but was lacking in the brains department. He reminded me of Mordin but without the brutishness.
  Speaking of our minuscule barbarian friend there still was no sign of him. We assumed he gave up adventuring after his transformation.
  The Baron's men were watching us. We believe he felt threatened by our new found fame for some reason. Hopefully he doesn't feel to threatened and has us thrown in chains or something.
  There was also a shadowy presence. Someone more skilled than Skylar, Vickey and Shakes at remaining hidden. Try as we might we could not determine who this sinister stalker was.
  We determined to make another foray into the Enigma Vaults. Our plan was to do a small bit of exploring, then grab all the valuables and kill the Ghost Demon, Abraxus, on the way out.
  That failed big time.
  Our first encounter was with a couple of minor spirits.
  They whooped our asses and made it look easy.
  First off, they sang a song that put us in a daze. The only one to resist this effect was Draco. If it wasn't for him we would have all died right there. Dragon boy smacked us around until we snapped out of it. Second, our weapons passed right through them most of the time. They went all insubstantial on us then would phase back in and attack. The only things that worked for sure was my magic missiles and positive energy bolts. And I didn't have enough power to slay even one of them. Third, their touch drained our health. most of us were crawling out of there. If Abrandon was not covering our retreat by brandishing his cross and driving the spirits back, most of us would have joined the spirits in undeath.
  We crawled past Abraxus on his bridge on the way out and we could only surmise at his power. If two minor ghosts could beat us so easily, what could this demon of ghosts do?
  It was a downtrodden and sober group that left the Accursed Halls this day.
  We spent the better part of a week recovering. None of us wanted to admit it, but i think we lost our edge. The group of us brooded over ales at the bar. Abrandon's prayers at breakfast were muted at best. None of us talked about plans over dinners.
  It looked to me like this might be the end of our party.
  And then one day as we entered our private room at the Green Forest Inn for breakfast, there sat a familiar muscle bound gnome with his legs propped up on the table. His first words were, " So! You guys miss me?"
  It was a miracle.
  A miracle named Mordin.
  "Mordin!" We all yelled in unison.
  "Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!" He yelled. " Stop it right there! I go by the name Max now. Maximus Fodder."
  We all looked at each other, and then Vickey said, " We are good with that."
  The next couple of hours was spent catching up. Mordin, or Max as he is called now, had spent the last couple of weeks getting to know his new body and letting the numerous ladies of the night in Thornkeep getting to know it also. Apparently he was running low on money and asked, " So? When we going back down into the dungeon?"
  We told him of our last couple of trips into the Enigma Vaults and of our defeat at the hands of the singing ghosts. "Pfft." He informed us. " You didn't have me then." Grabbing his magic axe he said, " Let's go."
  It was a slaughter.
  Of the ghosts.
  Mordin may have lost his stature, but he lost none of his ferocity. He swung his axe at one of the ghosts and predictably it phased out, the weapon passing right through, but then he reversed his swing just as the spirit rematerialized and opened up the things throat. Ectoplasmic blood gushed out all over our diminutive berserker, causing him to laugh maniacally. Draco and I blasted the other through a wall with disrupt undead spells, which I instructed him were effective against these creatures. When it stuck his head back through the wall Skylar was waiting there with the Sword of Zog and lopped it's head right off. It looked kind of silly with it's upper torso hanging headless out of a wall and gushing ectoplasm. We removed wax from our ears that we placed there to protect us from their songs and cheered.
  We looted the Enigma Vault's. I cast a Tenser's Floating Disk spell and placed the corpse of the alien wizard upon it. I had preserved the corpse with Oil of Timelessness so that it didn't decay previously and now I was glad I done so.
  Abraxus awaited us on the bridge.
  He shrugged as we approached him and vanished in a puff of smoke. When the smoke cleared two Giant Pythons were in his place. We hit them so hard and fast they were dead in the first few seconds.
  As we left the dungeon with all our spoils I said to Draco, " That was kind of anti climactic." he just shrugged.
  Halfway through town I broke off from the rest of the party and made my way to the Goldcloak Tower with my burden. In the main room to the oh's and ah's of all her apprentices I tossed the body of the alien wizard to the feet of Illara Starcloak.
  She smiled as she met my gaze.
  I smiled back.
  She looked down at the corpse at her feet and palled. " That's a Mi Go." she whispered.
  My blood ran cold, for I knew that name.
 

Day Thirty Two, A Bummer of an Evening

  My date was a disaster.
  It went so bad I want to bury it in a bottomless pit and then build a monument upon it to show how inept I am at talking to women. I am writing this down for posterity's sake, so maybe whoever reads it may not repeat my mistakes.
  Here are how events unfolded from the time I awoke to now.
  My internal time piece went off at its normal time as it does every morning. I literally jumped out of bed and did my routines.
  And then I did them again.
  And again.
  After the third time of doing my morning exercises I realised this was not helping pass the time to my date any more quickly. If anything it seemed like time was moving slower.
  I had to get out and do something to take my mind off my date so time would pass by more quickly. I decided I needed to head over to Goblin Town and check in on the project I had going there.
  I arrived at my forge to find the three goblins I had working for me sleeping off a hangover. A little part of me didn't approve of this, but I really didn't care if they turned a profit or not. This was a safehouse. A spot for me to hole up if things went south. If it was part of the goblin lifestyle to slack off and be lazy, well, far be it from me to interfere. I need this place to look normal from the outside.
  Still, when I woke them up the little buggers jumped to attention and even saluted me. Their names were, Nob, Grunk and Darby.
  I call them Snap, Crackle and Pop.
  Snap, who seemed to be the leader, probably because he spoke better common than the other two, said, " Sorry big boss man. We wasn't expectin no surprise inspection dis mornin."
  "No it's alright, Nob." I reassured him, setting his mind at ease. " I have a big date tonight with a pretty elf chic and was looking for a way to pass the time before then." My three minions made funny sour faces when I said the words 'Elf Chic', but then just shrugged. I continued, "have you made any weapons or armor yet?"
  "Sure thing boss." said Snap. "Check out this spear I made." He showed me a crude weapon, little more than a knife blade tied to a long stick.
  "Nice!" I said, feigning excitement. Something happened then. Something I wasn't expecting. All three of the goblins grew excited and started showing off the wares they had crafted. There were crude clubs with spikes. Daggers made of bone. Shields made from the seats of chairs and so forth. All the arms and armor were serviceable, but none I would actually use in battle unless I really had too. Still, with each item I praised their ingenuity and pointed out the positive details of each and every piece.
  When all was done my three minions looked at me and asked, " Boss, will you stay and craft with us?"
  "It's a good eight hours to my date, so why not." I answered.
  It felt good to work the forge. Something I hadn't done since shop class in Warmage academy. As I crafted the day away my three minions oohed and ahhed at everything I did. As I completed a sword, they made such a big deal over it you would have thought I crafted Excalibur itself. And I found I liked this praise. Now I know why so many evil wizards keep these guys around. These guys make you feel good about being yourself. I am so used to being chewed up and tore down by my friends that this hero worship that is being thrown my way was like Euphoria.
  I was all smiles.
  Until I looked outside and seen that it was getting dark.
  "Oh Crap!" I cried. "My date is in less than an hour!"
  "Whats wrong Boss? You got's plenty of time." said Snap.
  "But I smell like a forge." I wailed.
  "Girls like sweat Boss. She be impressed"
  "Not this girl." I said. "She is a refined lady."
  "She sounds like no fun at all." said Snap, to the nods of his partners. "Still we can gets you some waters for bath."
  "Quick." I said. Spurring them into motion. "And grab some soap too." All three goblins stopped in their tracks at that, with horrified expressions on their faces.
  "We gots no soap boss." said Crackle.
  "We gots lard." said Pop. "Lard works good."
  "Okay. But hurry!" I said.
  I spent the next thirty or so minutes being scrubbed with lard in what smelled like sewer water by my minions head to toe.
  "Ugh. I smell like bacon." I said.
  "Girls like bacon Boss." all three said in unison.
  "She gona love you." said Snap.
  I looked at them dubiously and shrugged. "I hope so. Keep up the good work." I told them.
  All three gave me smiles and a thumbs up symbol.
  I raced out of Goblin Town as fast as I could and just beat the carriage I arraigned to pick up Illiara by a few moments. The table I had reserved was in a secluded corner where I thought we could have some privacy. As usual the Green Forest Inn was crowded during dinner time. Illara came through the door at about the time I seated myself. I stood up as the hostess escorted her over to our table.
  "My lady." I smiled. "You look radiant tonight."
  She smiled and thanked me as I pulled out her seat for her. As I took my own seat she made a disgusted face and said sniffing the air, "Do they allow Goblins in here?"
  "Uhm, yes they do. There were some in here a bit ago. They just left." I lied. "How was your ride?"
  "Very comfortable. Thank you."
  There was a bottle of Feywine upon our table and I poured us each a glass. She smiled and said as she took a sip. "You sprang for the best."
  "Of course." I said as I picked up my menu.
  "So." she said. "Tell me of your recent exploits into the Accursed Halls and this creature you fought."
  I gave her all the pertinent details on our encounter with the strange alien wizard.
  When I was finished she said in that musical voice of hers, "Pity you could not have recovered its body. I sure would have loved to study it more closely."
  I knew right then, Abraxus the Ghost demon was going to die, for nothing was going to stop me from bringing that alien wizard out of that dungeon and laying it at this fair maidens feet.
  "May I take your order?" said a familiar voice from next to our table.
  I looked up to see Vickey standing there with her hand on her hip with a bored look on her face.
  "Vickey?" I said with my mouth dropping open. "What are you doing here?"
  "What does it look like genius? I'm working."
  "Why?" I asked.
  "Because a girl has to eat. You going to order or sit there and gawk at me all night?"
  "Nitro? You know this girl?" asked Illiara, arching an eyebrow.
  "Uhm, no not really." I told her. taking a big drink of my wine.
  "Oh really?" said Vickey in an offended tone. Then looking at Illiara she said, "he seen me naked."
  I coughed up my Feywine at that and said as I was choking. "No not like that."
  "I don't remember you being in no hurry to hand me back my clothes. Do You?"
  I was flabbergasted, and couldn't talk straight for several moments, then finally blurted out, "Could you just take our order please."
  "With pleasure. I need to get away from this table because one of you smells like goblin."
  As she left with our order I looked across the table and said to Illiara. "I am so not tipping him."
  "Him?" She asked.
  I couldn't give her the full account of how I knew Vickey without compromising her new identity, so I just gave her a rough outline of events on how she used to be a man and how we sprang for a new body for her after his death.
  "It is a strange world we live in." she told me with a smile.
  "Don't I know it." I said. " I mean look at you. You look like you could be about my age, But everyone knows elves live for thousands of years. You could be ancient as far as I know. How old are you anyways?" when I realised what just came out of my mouth I slapped my hand over it and cursed under my breath.
  I broke the cardinal rule.
  What an idiot I am.
  I reassured myself this night couldn't get any worse.
  I was wrong.
  Shakes and Abrandon walked in the door.
  I picked up my menu and tried to hide behind it, to no avail.
  Shakes sat down at my table and said, oblivious to the fact that I was out on a date with the most desirable woman in town, "We have to talk. It's important."
  "Will you excuse me for a moment?" I asked Illiara.
  "Sure." She said with a slight frown.
   I walked over to the bar with Shakes and Abrandon and said, "Can't you guys see I'm out on a date?"
  Shakes ignored me and said, "We're being tracked."
  I looked around the room and said, "What?"
  "We found out someone is asking questions about us and tracking our movements."
  "Any idea who?"
  "Not yet." Shakes said.
  "We have Skylar on it." added Abrandon.
  " I need to get Illiara home safe." I said.
  "Meet here tomorrow." said Shakes.
  "Will do. Stay safe." I said.
  "Always."
  "Something dangerous has come up." I informed Illiara as I returned to the table. "We need to cut this short I am afraid."
  " I understand." She told me as we quickly finished our meal. I escorted her home and at her door, I asked. "Do this again sometime?"
  "Perhaps." she said. "It was fun."
  I walked back to my room and cursed my luck.
  Maybe I should leave the dating to the experts. Like Draco.
 
 
 
 
 

Day Thirty One, Evening

  I am very excited about events that happened today. First, we parked Bob at a warehouse we rented from Shakes boss. He seems like an ok guy but a bit villainous. I gave Bob the order to slay anyone but one of our group who breaks into the warehouse since we have a lot of expensive stuff stashed there. I also gave Bob orders to listen to any commands given by any of our group unless I say otherwise. He is like the perfect servant.
  Second, we split up the treasure we found in the Flying wizards lair. I netted just over a thousand gold and two wands. I had them identified by a cute blond girl at the Gold Cloak Tower. One is a Wand of Invisibility. The other is a Wand of Charm Monster.
  Third, there is still no sign of Mordin. We are beginning to worry about our friend. I have heard of tell tell signs of his passing though. A lot of the women he frequented are telling tales of some super gnome lover boy in town. I seen that gnome naked. Mother nature might have shrunk his body but left some parts of him abnormally proportioned. If I was a girl I would be terrified of that weapon he was packing. But you know the women Mordin hung out with when he was a Half orc were probably used to such.
  Fourth, I have a date. Yes you heard me right. I have a dinner date with the mistress of the Gold Cloak Tower, Iliara Starcloak, herself. She asked me about the creature we had fought, for she was deciphering some of the books we had recovered down there. I told her maybe we should discuss this over dinner at the Green Forest Inn.
  I almost fainted when she said yes.
  I know. I know. You are asking how someone who plays with dangerous monsters and fights for a living can go all weak in the knees over a girl.
  But what a girl.
  She is lean and lithe like all elves are. Her hair is like spun gold down to her hips. Her eyes are slanted and the lightest shade of purple. And above all else she is smart.
  Brains and beauty make me weak in the knees.
  So tomorrow I have arranged for a coach to pick her up and bring her to the Green Forest Inn where I have set up what I hope to be a romantic dinner for two.
  I will let you know how it goes.
  Goodnight.

Day Thirty, Evening

  I think I almost died today.
  Twice.
  When we met at the inn for breakfast, Aramel was waiting on us. But now he went by the name Vickey. I meant SHE went by the name Vickey.
  I may not get used to this.
  She looked a lot different. Besides the curves, I mean... She wore tight fitting black leathers. Her weapons consisted of whips and chains. She sat at the table and propped her feet up just like Aramel used to do. I think she was enjoying the nervousness that she was causing us. Well, most of us were nervous. Shakes started talking business, as usual, and Abrandon started questioning Aramel/Vickey about the new Him/Her.
  I was just wondering whether Vickey/Aramel felt herself up in front of a mirror? Being that she was once a man, and now looked like that. I have to admit, Aramel's new body was pleasing to look at, but then she would open her mouth and talk like a guy, a guy with a melodious voice, and ruin it.
  Oh well.
  Shakes finally talked us into heading out. We waited for perhaps an hour for Mordin Fodder to show up. He didn't. I guess Aramel adjusted to his new body quicker than our barbarian friend. Makes sense, I suppose, given Mordin's innate fear of magic.
  Once again we made our way down to the Enigma Vaults.
  Vickey led the way. I couldn't help but notice that her butt swayed just like any other woman's. Apparently it is not something girls practice and learn. It must be just the way they walk. Natures way of luring unsuspecting men to their doom.
  I watched to see if this was going to be a distraction and problem with my friends. I mean, we were in a dungeon full of dangerous monsters. If we couldn't keep our minds focused on task it could be disastrous.
  Skylar was alert. He hardly looked at our new femme fatale. Nothing seemed different there.
  Good.
  If our scout was distracted, we would be in for some nasty surprises.
  I would catch Draco looking at Vickey's swaying posterior, then he would quickly look away with a shudder and shake his head no. Maybe he was not as shallow as I first made him out to be.
  But then he would check his hair to make sure it was all in place.
  Shakes seemed oblivious. Maybe he is a eunuch. That would explain a lot. Like how he can do the splits so easy and kick behind his head.
  Now Abrandon, our medic, was absolutely hypnotised by Vickey. His eyes rarely left her. He engaged her in conversation at every opportunity, and he hung on her every word.
  I don't think our cleric remembers she was once a guy at all. I decided to take notes on all this. I may use it to write some cheesy romance novel in my old age.
  Well enough of this.
  I said I almost died twice, and the first time was utter stupidity on my part. We had kicked open a door. Above it was some sort of sign proclaiming it to be some sort of enigma of some sort or other.
  Inside was a large broken geode. Of more interest was the pair of blue lion like creatures, each with two tails and tentacles for manes. They opened their mouths as they roared and charged. Their teeth was like that of sharks. Rows and rows of them.
  Apparently they were hungry.
  Shakes and Skylar engaged them in hand to hand. Or hand to teeth. Or whatever you want to call it. Draco and I sat back and blasted them with spells. Vickey, well she had to go and do something sexy.
  Vickey looked over at me and smiled. She had very white teeth, but I guess when your body is only a day or two old, your teeth wouldn't have had time to decay. Also explains why she was so perky in places. Anyways, she looked at me and smiled and said, "Watch this."
  She did a perfect cartwheel. Followed by a perfect backflip. And then ended with a perfect somersault right over the fight in front of us to land neatly behind the Blue Shark/ Lion things.
  From now on I will refer to them as Sharkions.
  "Wow!" Exclaimed Abrandon. "I don't remember her moving like that when she was a man!"
  "Sure she did." I disagreed. "She tumbled around like that all the time."
  "I don't think so." The Cleric argued with me. "A man can't move like that."
  "I can even do that." I informed him.
  "Uh huh. Sure you can," he said in obvious disbelief.
  "I can!" I assured him. "I got an A in gymnastics at school!" He still didn't look like he believed me, so I said, "Watch this."
  I did a perfect cartwheel, a perfect backflip and then ended with a perfect somersault.
  Somehow or other I landed right in one of those Sharkion's mouth's, though.
  "YIKES!" I yelled as the thing shook me around like a rag doll, blood flying everywhere. I bashed it upside the head with my morningstar, causing it to release me. I kicked it in the face as I crabwalked backwards trying to get away from the thing. Luckily Vickey swung her chain and hamstrung it with the blade on the end of her whip like weapon. This allowed me to escape behind Shakes and Skylar as the assassin hogtied the Sharkion.
  Abrandon immediately started to to bandage my wounds and said, "Oh that was exactly like what she did. I don't know why I ever doubted you."
  What a smartass.
  Shakes and Skylar dropped their opponent. Draco blasted the one Vickey had hogtied with a firebolt. As it raised its head and roared in rage, she neatly jumped in and cut its throat. As the assassin did this though, one of those blue tails swung around and clipped her, knocking her back a few steps. Vickey grabbed her arm and yelled, "Ouch!" rubbing it.
  "That's going to leave a nasty bruise." I said.
  "Vickey!" yelled our medic. He actually knocked me over as he ran over to check her wound. Our cleric wasted no time using one of his best cure spells to heal her tiny bruise.
  "Hey!" I yelled at him. "I'm bleeding to death over here!"
  "That's just a scratch." he said back to me as he continue to nurse Vickey. "You'll be fine."
  Something felt funny about my arm. I reached over and pulled a three inch sharks tooth out of my bicep. "Are you sure?" I asked as I watched blood squirt out of the spot where the sharks tooth had been. "I'm feeling a little bit dizzy here."
  "Oh quit being a baby." Abrandon said as he walked back over to me. "Let me see that." as he jerked the sharks tooth out of my hand. "Hmm, it has a strange discoloration on it. It might be poisoned."
  "Huh." I said woozily.
  The medic placed a poultice upon my wound and checked over the rest of the group for bites. He made sure to check every inch of Vickey, twice.
  We had a couple of other encounters that were not noteworthy. There were some Fungoid creatures and Shakes almost got sucked into the vacuum of deep space.
  Nothing unusual there.
  After we were finished and had our fill adventuring and exploring, we retrieved the treasure we had left behind in the  flying insectoid wizard's room. I cast my Tenser's Floating disk spell and we loaded up everything of value we could find. As an after thought I tossed  the wizard's body on our conveyance for further study in the Goldcloak laboratory. We pretty much took everything but the Alien Fungoid equipment which we assumed to be an Enigma. We didn't want to be purged after all....
  We were still a little bit nervous as we approached the bridge with the Ghost Demon Abraxus upon it though. We didn't have Mordin with us after all and none of us were sure of an outcome If he decided to 'purge' us. Everyone else crossed first. As I set foot on the bridge Abraxus stepped forward, eyes glowing red with anger, and said in a deep ominous voice, "PUT HIM BACK!"
  I gulped.
  "You mean him?" I asked pointing at the insect wizard. "He's an Enigma?"
  ""PUT HIM BACK NOW!" the ghost demon reiterated.
  "Uhh... Yes Sir." I told him. I continued with, "Sorry I didn't know." as I hastily retreated from the bridge. Funny how all my friends were laughing at me from across the way.
  I put the thing back where we had slain it, and then once again approached the bridge. Abraxus didn't say nothing as I crossed with the rest of the loot. On the other side I told Shakes, "I think I almost died there."
  "I had your back," he said.
  "Bummer." said Draco. "I wanted to see what purging meant. It might not be as bad as we thought."
  Ya right.
  We made it the rest of the way out of the dungeon, but on our way out I used the newly repaired power crystal we recovered a few adventures ago to activate one of the constructs in the abandoned temple.
  The Mechanoid follows my commands, and seems really strong.
  I shall call him 'Bob'.

Day Twenty Nine, Evening

  There are forces in the universe so powerful that I cannot comprehend them. There are beings of such vast intelligence that even I, as smart as I am, will never fathom their motives.
  And then there is Mother Nature.
  Let me tell you about Mother Nature.
  My day started as any other. I rose before dawn and did my exercises, both mental and physical. I bathed and had breakfast. I left the Gold Cloak tower to meet my friends.
  I marched down the road from the Golden Tower to the Battle Temple in the predawn light. Roosters were crowing and mothers were sweeping their porches and other mundane chores. It is about a fifteen minute walk from the tower where I stay to the temple. I always enjoy these walks. I waved at a few people I see every morning and bid them hello. They seem to like me. I know not why. I'm a people person, I guess.
  As I arrived at the Battle Temple I met Brother Eldrest sweeping the entryway of his church. I bid him good morning and inquired if any of my friends had arrived yet.
  "Abrandon stays here and is awake inside doing his morning prayers." he said. "None of your other friends are here yet. Well none of your living ones that is."
  I grimaced at this reminder of Mordin's and Aramel's fate.  "Has the Druid arrived yet?" I asked.
  "Sister Oreena has not arrived yet either. I expect her shortly."
  "Well then, I'll go talk to Abrandon while I wait."
  I moved to head past him, but the old cleric stopped me with a hand to the chest and said, "Brother Nitro, you still owe me a service for the restorative magics I used upon your friends a few weeks ago, do you not?"
  "I do." I answered. "Who do you want killed?" I asked cracking my knuckles. "I also can pull guard duty and caravan escorts if you need."
  "Actually I do need something exterminated." He said, causing me to smile. A smile that quickly vanished as he handed me an old garden hoe. "There is an invasion of weeds in my garden around the side of the church. Could you be a good soldier and rout them for me?"
  "Seems to be a a waste of my talents, but sure." I said as I grabbed the hoe from him.
  As I was walking away the old priest asked, "Nitro? You do know the difference between a weed and garden vegetables? Don't you?"
  "Of course." I sneered as I continued walking. "I studied horticulture in school."
  "Was there anything you didn't study?" laughed Eldrest.
  "Nope." I said.
  I spent the next couple of hours fighting off the weeds in the Temple's modest garden at the side of the temple. I positioned myself so I could keep an eye on the walkway to the front of the church. I waved at each of my friends as they arrived and vanished into the temple.
  As I slew another weed, a new combatant entered the fray against the Temple's troop of vegetables. An old grey rabbit hopped out of the bushes and started nibbling on some of the carrots a few yards from me.
  "I here the cabbages are good." I said to it with a smile. The rabbit's ears twitched a little, and then it cocked its head quizzically, like it was pondering my words. Then, sure enough, it hopped over to the cabbage patch and started munching to its hearts content. "Eat it all my friend. You have my blessing." I said laughing.
  The rabbits ears stood straight up, causing me to smile again.
  A thunderous screech froze the rabbit and I in our tracks as a winged shadow fell over us. Our momentary paralysis proved fatal for one of us. Out of nowhere a great Golden Eagle struck, and struck so quickly, that it startled me, causing me to drop my hoe and fall on my ass.
  Cursing, I jumped back to my feet, but of the eagle and the rabbit there was no sign, except a small splatter of blood where my furry little friend was.
  I continued my war against the the weeds for about another 30 minutes, pondering how quick life can come to an end, until I noticed an older woman approaching the temple. She was dressed in buckskins and had feathers in her hair. Her step was sure and full of confidence. As she drew nearer I noticed she was quite beautiful for a woman three times my age. I met her halfway up the walk and was determined to make a good first impression. "Sister Oreena? I presume?" I asked.
  "Nitro." she nodded her head at me as I fell into step beside her.
  "You have heard of me?" I smiled.
  "I deal in life," she declared. "So naturally I would keep track of one who deals in death."
  My step faltered as my smile vanished. I quickly ran to catch up. "My lady! I think you misjudge me." I said defensively.
  "Do I?" She wheeled on me. "Are you not a soldier? Do you not kill for pay?" She tsked. "Little better than an assassin you are." She left me there with my mouth agape. I was thinking so much for my first impression when she turned around at the temple door and said "Here." She tossed me something small. I caught it. "I hear those are lucky." she said as she turned and entered the temple.
  I looked down at a small furry foot in my hand. A little nob of blood at its joint. "Not for the rabbit." I whispered.
  As I followed her into the temple I heard Oreena say to my friends and to Brother Elderst. "I would have been here sooner but I stopped for breakfast."
  Sheesh! And she had the nerve to call me a killer! As if reading my mind, which she may actually have been doing. She said to me with a shrug, "Circle of life."
  Whatever!
  "Lets get down to business." said Shakes. "Can you bring our friends back from the dead? And if so, how much will it cost us?"
  "All things are possible in nature." the old druidess answered cryptically. "I have the power to call back your friends spirits from where they have gone, but not to these body's." She said this as she pointed to Mordin's and Aramel's corpses lying on slabs in the church. "These body's are dead" she continued, "And my power cannot call them back to enter them."
  "What does this mean, revered one?" asked Skylar.
  I got the impression that these two knew each other as she caressed his cheek with her hand and answered, "Mother nature will create and supply a new body for them."
  We quickly talked this over and then asked, "How much?"
  "Mordin is a great warrior and Champion of the Wilderness. I will cast the spell for free for him just this once." Oh cool....I thought....Our crazed berserker is 'a great warrior and Champion of the Wilderness' and I am killer and little better than an assassin. Hurmph! "For this..." she said waving her hand flippantly at Aramel's dismembered corpse, "1200 gold you will need."
  "Deal!" said Shakes as he held out a jittering hand.
  Oreena did not shake his hand but walked around the bodies of our fallen comrades, laying out mistletoe and holly and other strange components. "You youngsters should go to the forest to the south of here and await your friends there. They will arrive in about an hour."
  "Will we recognize them?" asked Draco
  "They will arrive as they entered the world the first time." She said.
  "Wait!" I interjected with alarm. "They will be babies?!?"
  "No. Numskull soldier. You will know them when you see them. But there form will be chosen by Mother Nature in all her wisdom." I was getting the feeling Sister Oreena did not think highly of me.
  "Lets go." I said. "and bring their stuff."
  We headed out of the church and a little ways to the south to the edge of the woods not far from where the hunting lodge was that Skylar stayed at.
  "I hope Mordin comes back as a Minotaur." said Abrandon. "We could use a Minotaur to open doors."
  "Uh..." I disagreed. "I don't think a Minotaur with Mordin's temper would be good for the world."
  "Minotaurs already have bad tempers." the cleric told me. "Only this one would be working for us."
  We sat around at the edge of the woods for about an hour like this arguing over what form Mother Nature, in all her wisdom, would choose for our friend Mordin. No one seemed to care what form Aramel's body took.
  Then, we heard something approaching in the bushes.
  Everyone leaped to their feet and grew quite, holding our breaths.
  The bushes parted.
  A naked gnome stepped out.
  We stood there in shock for several moments. Then the gnome said in a gruff voice with an orcish accent, "Whatcha all lookin at?" He planted his fists on his hips and stared up at us with a familiar crazy look in his eyes.
  "Mordin?" said Shakes.
  "You're a gnome." confirmed Skylar.
  'No shit." said our diminutive barbarian friend. "Where is the wizard who did this to me? I have some payback for him."
  "I have seen everything now." said Draco. "Nothing can surprise me anymore."
  "A wizard did not do this to you my friend." Abrandon the Cleric told Mordin. "You died and this was the only way to get you back."
  "You mean I'm stuck like this?" Mordin said with alarm. "Who is going to tell my father? Where's my stuff?"
  I had know idea who Mordin's father was, but I knew I wasn't going to tell him. We handed over Mordin's stuff, none of which fit. He dressed as best he could, then said, "I have things to do." and left us there with our shocked looks on our faces.
  We stood there looking at each other, questions written on all our faces, and then we heard a dainty "ahem" from the direction of the woods.
  Our group turned around to see a naked woman standing there.
  It took us a few moments for this to register that this was undoubtedly Aramel standing before us. I still had to ask though, "Uh Aramel? Is that you?"
  "Stop staring at my boobs." said the woman that was Aramel.
  "You're a girl." I was an expert at observation today. "And you're naked."
  "I take it back." said Draco. "I can still be surprised."
  "I said stop staring at my boobs." He or she said again. "Where's my stuff?"
  We slowly and reluctantly handed over the kid's stuff, which he or she quickly donned and ran off into town. His or her last words to us were. "Don't lose my head. There is a price on it and it's worth a lot of bounty money in the next kingdom."
  We stood there looking at each other some more. After what seemed an eternity Abrandon the Cleric said, "Well, that was interesting."
  "Ya!" Draco agreed. "Aramel has boobs!"
  After that I said. "I'll be in my bunk." and left.
  I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but I hope tonight my dreams are not filled with Aramels naked body.
  There is one thing I can tell you for a fact.
  Mother Nature has a strange sense of humor.
  Geesh!